Category Archives: toxicity

Channelling challenges

Channelling appears to be both my spiritual strength, and weakness. I began this blog post intending to do some channelling, but instead it seems my higher self wants me to write down and analyse how I feel about that, because I feel a lot about it. I may be channelling now, I’m never entirely sure until I read the post back afterwards, but it sure feels like I am meant to write this post, and it’s flowing effortlessly, unlike when I attempt to write some form of thought out article.

Before I started this website I had an Instagram and Facebook account, where I expressed my horror towards the dark night of the soul, attempted to find my soul tribe, and let off some steam. It began with memes and one liners, and as I grew in confidence that actually it wasn’t just me going through this spiritual awakening process, I began to make my own memes, take off my mask, open up, and write more personally.

One thing I wasn’t sure about discussing was channelling. Some people channel alien transmissions, and that seems to go down relatively harmlessly on the internet, but I tend to pick up the energies of what I interpret as ancient civilization gods and goddesses, and occasionally Source, which some people feel is God with a capital G and that’s very important… all my interactions with these energies comes through with my voice, but feeling and saying things I normally wouldn’t. I’d see the daily online Source transmissions and messages from the universe, and while i resonated with their content, I expressed that energy like.. well, like me. I felt I would cheapen the message if I added in my brand of vocabularily amd ropey grammar, and I wasn’t sure of what I was doing, or if it was real in the early stages. Quoting all of these named deities and passing on their messages to humanity seemed like a recipe for disaster, and I decided against it.

One of the energies I felt safe with was my higher self. I didn’t really know what it was at the time, but it was a voice in the back my my mind that answered me back when I asked myself a question, (usually after an ego response) and unlike my ego, it always made sense. It felt like it knew every thing i’d ever read or heard or felt, and put it to me in an egoless state. I knew it felt right, as usually it gently kicked my arse and told me where I was going wrong, but in a way which would lead to self improvement. It was my higher self, personal to me, so i thought this was the perfect voice to channel…

I began writing down my conversations with higher me, in conversational format. Instead of some wannabe guru type spilling his recently amassed supposed wisdom from the cosmos, I became the butt of my own higher self’s jokes. I thought, at the time, this would be a great way for me to get my message across, without coming across too hoity toity, and usually it was at least partially amusing, because my higher self talks to me like I talk, and I often try to find the comedy in difficult situations… maybe as a defence mechanism from engaging with actual emotion, which isn’t great, but at least it can be fun for others to read, and fun – in theory – gets shared. At first, it was just me trying to express a story. A journalistic format which would keep me humble. My media strategy as I set out to encourage other people to channel their higher selves too – my little bit in helping this ascension of humanity malarkey.

Quite quickly, I realised I’d stopped trying to tell a story and was simply in a trance state, channelling away. The point I began to make was quickly highjacked by my higher self and I recieved some kind of humiliating lesson instead. My higher mind was in charge of the whole thing, including my responses. ‘Me’ became a character of sorts, playing the dumb role of a man having no idea what was going on during his spiritual awakening, even though often it was a reminder of something I’d learnt but forgotten from a while back, and was now integrating. It was totally spot on and I was regularly shocked and humbled. Sometimes it made me look way smarter or way dafter than reality. In ‘reality’ I am both ‘Me’ and my higher self, but online the role of Me because a character of sorts, a film version of me playing me, similar but different. Perfect, I thought, I was channelling and learning and getting messages from spirit across to others without being a know it all. I thought.

Eventually I realised I was also tapping into my higher self’s soul family and monad group. There was nothing individual at all about what I was channelling. That’s when the weirdness began. I had inadvertantly tapped into the energy of the 5D collective consciousness. People started saying that my conversations with my higher self were the same conversations they were having. I was describing their day. People thought I was speaking directly to them. In their heads – how else could I know exactly what they were thinking? Lots took offense, and thought I was passively aggressively trying to teach them a lesson, that I myself was also learning that day. Some thought Higher me was made up entirely. A number of people projected onto me that I was their twin flame, or some other form of soul family destiny. People manifested me, told me I was theirs, how they knew where I lived and would track me down, and put spells on me. One posted photos of a voodoo doll with all kinds of foreign incantations clearly aimed at me, and I really felt that. This all suddenly happened – one day I was anonymous, the next I had half a dozen offers of love in the same week. It was overwhelming and one sided, some I ignored, some I spoke to and tried to put them off.

Until the day where I received multiple offers of overwhelming love bombing, I had been oblivious, focussing on my own journey and interactions with spirit. Having being a sick chap most of my life, attention from the opposite sex was rare, and I wasn’t expecting it or in a good place to do anything about it, I was in the spiritual isolation phase, dark night of the soul. However the more I avoided or, stopped following any accounts that triggered me, the more intense the interactions became.

I feel that a man going online and breaking down his most private and spiritual emotions publicly, received a similar reaction as if a girl had walked onto a club dancefloor and started taking her clothes off. I just wanted to understand and express myself freely, but people got too full on, and I eventually had to take a break from social media. My energy body felt like it was being pulled in a dozen different directions, my thoughts were all over the place, and my heart constantly felt stabbed with a dozen pins. Be in the heart they say – I couldn’t. It hurt, really badly, and still does a little. It’s physically painful for me to live in the heart. I’m paying back a lot of past life karma right now, where clearly I was at the very least, a very naughty witch. The mirrors I was attracting showed me how intense my own repressed energy was, and how I was also caught up in the twin flame destiny malarkey, thinking it was the first person I’d connected with at a spiritual level. Women acting towards me reflected how full on I must have been, emotionally if not physically, as a masculine youth before I decided to sorry myself out. It was all a very horrible and humiliating lesson.

A lot of energy work later, some major toxin clearing and keeping away from Instagram and Facebook, I feel clearer, lighter, and back to myself. My thoughts feel my own again. My heart aches a little, but not a lot. I can breathe deeply again and have lost the overwhelming sense of anxiety i’d been carrying all year. Before I delve back into social media and ‘real’ groups of people, if I do, I need to heal my heart space, and improve my energy management and psychic protection skills. Next time, i’ll be going in with bigger boundaries.

However, in my social break, I’m not channelling any more. I’m missing out on the lessons my higher self has for me. If I try to channel privately, it works to an extent, but my higher self is very clear that it wants me to do this online as well, because it’s the most effective way of persuading others to get in contact with their own higher selves. So here I am, starting again on a website rather than social media, delighting in the fact that this page may have less than a dozen people ever read it. How things have changed, the social media strategist inside of me doesn’t know what to make of this whatsoever! But for me, this feels right. I need to write, and release what’s inside of me, but I don’t want the overwhelmingly weird attention it gets.

Me: higher me, is it time for a test?

± Higher me: It certainly is. How does this feel for you?

± Me: different. Not as smooth. The little ± symbol i use to signify switching between you and me seems redundant. The WordPress phone app keyboard is slower than Instagram, I keep making typos if I go at normal speed. Which means I am actually getting more info from you, it feels more meditative, it’s frustrating but probably good for me, i’m typing more mindfully. The formatting is different. I love the lack of character limit though. Love it!

Higher me: Well, it’s time! It was good for you to learn getting your point across succinctly, but now it’s restricting you. You’ve got the freedom to write whatever you want now, and while almost noone will read this, emotionally you are now writing for your self, and the right reasons, not the attention from people who made you feel good about yourself every day. This is a lot better for your ego. Otherwise you may have ended up turning into a bit of a knobhead

Me: thanks higher me, I see we’re straight back into public character assassination. But alright. I see your point. Is there anything in particular you would like to say right now, or shall we pick this up tomorrow on a post that isn’t already pretty long? Yay no character limits or people reading my stuff and getting weird! Freedoooom!

Higher me: Ha, enjoy it while it lasts. Once people recognise your higher me, i.e. me is speaking to you with info that’s relevant for your soul group, i.e. them, that will change. Whichever medium you use. It’s kind of the point. Anyone can write an article, but it has limited effect and reach. Channelling me will literally energetically attract your soul group here. But you have a while to channel freely without having to worry about that. Just a while 😉

Me: I would really prefer to keep my personal stuff and the usual ego bashing to a minimum on this website please. I’m hoping to, you know, be respected and earn a basic living from this one day. Any chance we could make this more about me asking useful questions about life, rather than you constantly embarrassing me in the name of the universe exploring itself, with me as it’s comedy lackey, having my ego whittled away as some form of universal entertainment?

Higher me: That’s down to you, buddy. If you have a lesson to learn and you’re listening, I’m gonna teach it to you. How I do that is up to you, because I’ll teach it to you in the same way as you feel about yourself. If you’re giving yourself a hard time, so will I. If you’re making light of a difficult situation, so will I. You know how this goes. I’m you, your mirror, and also a lot of other things too.

Me: back to the old, I create my own destiny huh? You’ll reflect my inner world in the outer world, etc

Higher me: You know it. May be best to end this here for now. You’ll go on all night, without character limits. Have you any idea how long you’ve been typing for?

Me: not a clue, haha! A while ago I couldn’t be bothered writing anything, and now look at me, I don’t wanna stop! This is nice. Thanks for guiding me here. And thanks for knocking out the WiFi so I couldn’t watch videos, instead forcing me to do something creative, that was a cunning cosmic plan

Higher me: You’re welcome. The WiFi is back on now. You’re welcome again 😊

Me: oh yeah! Ace. Well, thanks for this, cheerio for now 🙏

Higher me: Catchya later! 🙏

Working through toxic masculinity

As a bloke I’ve been running on automatic, and an egocentric idiot, in my past, and less so now but still in the present day. These days I am at least more self aware, and able to rectify myself when i feel it’s necessary. At the start of this healing journey I had no clue was toxic – I was a nice guy – overly empathic and giving, attracting narcissistic relationships. Ugh, how much I’ve learnt since then. I’m going to capture my thoughts on the undoing of my own toxicity; masculine and feminine, as I identify it within myself. It’s an ongoing mission…

Previously, I’ve focused on my needs and thought relationships were about finding the right person to fit into the tick box list of acceptable criteria I approved of. People who would fit around my issues and weirdness. If they didn’t, they had an issue and I would point it out.

I’ve been defensive and told intuitive people they were wrong, out of defence and shame for my own actions when pointed out. Defensiveness leads to gaslighting, sadly. Most of us don’t realise we’re even doing it, we just project that shame into anger and push it back. It feels justified at the time, few people are actual narcissists – we all have narcissistic tendencies however, especially if we are acting from shadow impulses, unaware of why we are acting forcefully or defensively.

I grew up in a wounded society, living under the rules of the Church, the entitled and privileged ego of the British Empire, patriarchy and capitalism. This is what I perceive as my toxicity to remove, one bit at a time. To undo the programming put into me, by finding myself through spirit and undoing the behaviours I’ve been taught were ‘right’, which my soul feels are ‘wrong’.

Towards the end of my thirties, my soul felt like it was screaming that everything felt wrong. The idea of releasing and transmuting my negative emotions was completely alien to me. I would have laughed it off and played a competitive video game instead, to take my mind off of the increasing tension and pain in my body and life. Had I not addressed this, I can totally appreciate how I would have ended up a typically shut down, suicidal mid fourties male, unable to comprehend or deal with all of the emotions that I had bottled up for decades. Most men simply don’t understand this until it reaches crisis point, which is why I write articles like this.

“Man up” – “Be a real man”

We have all kinds of wounds from a society that doesn’t promote individual health as paramount – war wounds, ancestral and past life karma, father wounds, mother wounds, inner child wounds, relationship wounds, etc etc. Men are assigned a role from birth as the provider, the defender, the reliable, strong one. While we progress through life without realising or addressing how these wounds and programming affect us, they show up subconsciously in our own behaviour, to make our, and other people’s lives difficult. Emotions don’t get dealt with, instead they turn into resentful behaviour patterns, mental and physical illnesses. We hurt the ones we love, unless we address our inner hurt.

From where i’m sat, we live in a society where the women, in relationships, rule the roost usually. They are more likely to express and deal with their emotions. They know things. They feel things. If we screw up, they’re onto it. They often know best, emotionally, while men stereotypically focus on practical, logical matters. Men counteract emotional intelligence with domination energy in some form, pushing back to shut down the perceived threat.

We need to balance ourselves, start listening, stop pushing, stop denying we’re less than perfect and realise it’s OK to screw up, what’s not OK is to focus on the other person’s perceived screw ups and tell them they need to change. Like attracts like. We are all damaged, both genders, living in a world of duality where men and women see each other as the problem. We all need to back off and give each other a break, because we are all the potential problem for someone else.

When the masculine stop energetically attacking, either aggressively or defensively, then the feminine can begin to heal… They can slowly realise the previous threats they’ve encountered from other men won’t happen here, and can begin to relax and lower their defences. We can begin to balance out, level off, and meet in the middle. At this point the feminine are often confronted with their own toxicity – no longer needing to employ tactics to work around the masculine’s aggressiveness, their own issues suddenly become apparent, as we have all attempted to control each other in the past, one way or another. Feminine tactics usually use more subtle forms of control – guilt, silence, social triangulation, or emotional manipulation is very effective at counteracting any masculine dominant energy. We all balance each other out one way or another! It takes time and understanding to work through this, usually through relationships where good communication, mutual respect and understanding, setting healthy boundaries and holding space for each other can take place to encourage mutual healing.

Apart from attracting healthier future relationships and healing ourselves, there’s a carrot on a stick for fellas by embracing their own inner feminine energy. By learning to breathe properly, slowing down, stop pretending everything’s fine, accepting help and opening our hearts, something happens. Our defences lessen and we become more reasonable. We learn about ourselves. People are nicer to us. Our intuition switches on. Our psychic abilities develop. Suddenly we know what’s going on like our partners always have done, and can’t be fooled like before. We know when others are projecting their toxicity onto us. Then we have that same power we’ve been trying to shut down in our partners before, and we can relax and begin to heal as well. We no longer need to be aggressive or forceful, and stop. Defenses can be lowered, all round. When both parties in a relationship have great intuition, there’s no room for games – it promotes an honest, trusting, mutually beneficial, supportive relationship dynamic.

That’s my goal and reason for doing this inner work. Is that self serving and narcissistic? Should I be focusing on myself only? Probably, but also I am human, and I know what I want in life in order to be as happy as I can be. I’ve spent most of my awakening journey in isolation, and while I am really comfortable with that and pretty happy overall, it’s not what I want forever. I believe we find our healthy relationships by doing the inner work first. Find balance within ourselves, to end up not needing a relationship – that’s when we are in the best place to have a healthy one. I’d rather not be doing inner work forever, at some point I hope to run out of issues to correct within myself, truly love myself with an overflowing cup, and be ready for the kind of life and partnership I dream of, but I know it comes first by continually accepting and finding balance within myself first.

Find happiness and your ideal relationship within yourself, first

So men; if you want to feel genuinely strong, allow yourself to feel gentle first. Embrace your inner femininity without fear – it will make you ultimately far more powerful as a person than focusing on traditional masculine pursuits such as being physically and financially powerful. Power comes with responsibility, and currently there are too many powerful men in this world showing they don’t know how to handle that quite yet, including myself. It’s not a quick fix and it takes time – but it’s definitely worth it. Just gently keep plugging away at the honest work ☯️

Note: we all have a mix of masculine and feminine energy. Many men are mostly feminine and many women are mostly masculine. Culture is changing big time, and in the future we’re likely to become a pretty androgynous species. We have a 50/50 energy spilt available to us to tap into, so this is at least partially relevant for whichever gender – or absence of – that you personally identify with.